From: Michael
Subject: BTWBody: I miss you.
Ok, now for most people, something like that would bring an “awe, how sweet” sentiment.
For others, it might bring a “oh shit, he’s not over me yet” kinda dread.
For me this morning, my jaw dropped. He’s not the most expressive creature, especially through email or even on the phone. Even in person, he rarely lets his guard down.
So something like that… it’s progress.
Great, so my question becomes the title of this post?
Well, I couldn’t think up anything snappy.
Well, where the hell have you been?
I think one word sums it up best: LIVING.
So you can’t write and “live” at the same time?
Well, the thing about writing and living is that one takes MORE thought and reflection, while the other is more fun.
What happened to you? You used to live your life as a novel. Each post had a beginning and an end… like a Brady Bunch episode.
Well, I got tired of living life in vignettes. Not everything has a happy resolution, and not every story has its loose ends tied. And frankly, I felt I was calculating my life too much to sound good as a blog entry. I lived to have a “narrative”. My life started to turn into that movie Stranger than Fiction, and I really didn’t want to start thinking of myself as a “Will Ferrell” kind of character. So I stopped forcing denouements and conclusions from being a regular occurrance in my real life. And that kinda broke me out of my self-imposed literature-led photosynthetic prison.
God, you’re pretentious.
Ok fine. In other words, I wanted to start living life instead of writing about it. I started becoming a passive observer instead of an active and animated character. I began to deconstruct my life before it actually happened. So, I put down the keyboard and started to witness life through my own eyes instead of a third person narrator.
So, what HAS happened?
Well, as we (meaning “you” and whoever else is out there) know, I broke up with Douglas, recharged things with Michael (a.k.a. “Vegas”), cooled things down with H- (a.k.a. Morrissey lookalike), and, well, here I am.
In those five weeks, you’ve had more relationship drama more than most people.
To be honest, the only drama was with Douglas. We went to dinner three weeks after I broke up with him… a nice, “let’s stay friends” dinner, and we threw everything onto the table. I told him that we’d never get back together but I’d like to stay friends. He told me he was “in love” with me. I backed off and said, “You need to get rid of that emotion because we’ll never be friends if that’s the case.” And he said he understood. The next weekend, I took Daryl and two of my friends (who apparently are regular readers of my blog - hi, guys!) and went to Montreal and had a blast. While there, I was getting text messages from Douglas saying, “I hope you got there safely” (innocent), “I hope you’re having fun… I’m sitting at home bored” (not so innocent), and “I’m about to go to bed and all I’m thinking about is you” (creepy). So I realized I had to cut it off completely with him. He needs to realize I’m not coming back. He needs to hate me and get all of this “love” crap out of his system. And then, he needs to mourn the relationship as if I died. Only THEN can we be friends again. He needs to know that there’s no hope of “getting back together”.
Sounds kinda cruel.
It was the only way. I beat myself over the head about it and how he must feel, but the only way he could get over me was for me to practive tough love. I really do care about him a lot, but he’ll never let go unless he goes through all the motions of a breakup.
Will you ever reach out to him again or will you just let that die?
I dunno. That’s another thing I beat myself about. As big as NYC is, its gay scene is pretty compact. Granted, I know he only goes to one bar really, so that’s easy to avoid, but do I want to “avoid” a bar just because he’s there? No. I want to get to a point where we can laugh again without the baggage. I want to be able to see him without wondering if I should quietly duck out of the bar and hope he doesn’t see me, or go over to him and give him a hug hello.
Ok, enough about Douglas, I’m getting bored. I heard that Kelly came down to visit.
Yes, Kelly did indeed. I love that guy. He’s getting married to the love of his life in two weeks and moving to Singapore in two months. And this was his last hurrah in NYC before he becomes a housewife in Singapore. We had lots of drunken fun… and after a day or two of figuring out my puppy Brianna’s over-affectionate brashness, he could finally relax in my loft.
You didn’t put him in the cave, did you?
Haha, yeah, he calls it the “cave” in his blog too. It’s the same cave that Chad Fox, Atari, ShadowMichael, and one other blogger (who turned on my after his visit) stayed. It’s comfy and dark (no windows!) and only 5′8″ tall. A weird room, but a room nonetheless.
I can’t believe he’s moving around the world.
I know. I just hope we can still text each other like we always do, drunk at bars… although my texts of drunken shenanigans will probably be reaching him while he’s having his morning coffee and eggs.
So, what else is shaking?
Nothing else. Michael and I are trying to plan out a weekend in Chicago in September. Three weeks ago when he was here was amazing.
Really? So the long distance thing is back up again?
Kinda? We’re talking almost everyday again. And when he was here, it was so nice and comfortable. We fell back into our old selves again without any awkwardness of being apart for so long.
Is he still metaphysical and overly spiritual?
Yes, but he’s becoming more practical about it. He’s no longer vegan, but he’s still vegetarian. Veganism was too difficult and too costly and so not practical. It was hindering his own lifestyle and made being social rather difficult. He’s bringing back some parts of his old self and modifying it to adapt to parts of his new self. It’s actually pretty great… but then again, I really like him any way he is because he doesn’t change himself for me.
So, it seems like you know what you want.
I do… I think.
I sense a lot more blogs about this topic upcoming.
Maybe… maybe not. As I said earlier, I’m not blogging as much anymore because I’m living my life, and seeing it through my own eyes and not a spectator’s.
Is this the end of Donuts in Heaven, then?
No… I’ll still write here every now and then. Just not as often. But who knows, maybe I’ll return in full-force. Only time will tell.
Damn. I was hoping you’d end this.
You’re such an ass.
Someone close to me received this message from a “communication” with a friend’s husband who had recently passed:
Move along about your day
The time is now, so don’t delay
Skip, jump and push through the gray
Change starts here. Now. Today
If I hadn’t studied hauntings and ethereal consciousness in college, I would have thought it all mumbo jumbo and a whole lot of crapola. But since I studied this pretty intently and even wrote a thesis about the Energy Aspect of Disembodied Consciousness (in other words “ghosts and ectoplasmic entities”), I sometimes reconcile people’s experiences with the dead as actual occurrances… especially when coincidence can be ruled out.
My friend didn’t know what his friend’s husband had died… but in a “communication”, her husband recited this little temporal ditty.
It may sound hokey, but regardless, it’s pretty good advice for us all.
Tempus fugit… Carpe diem.
Time flies… Seize the day.
Homemade caesar salad + chicken = good
Homemade caesar salad + TURKEY = not so good
Well, there are other reasons too, but I was on the phone with a friend and she started screaming and dropped the phone…
I heard rumblings, things falling, and her whimpers of “Oh God”…
… then the phone went dead.
Confused and VERY concerned, I kept trying to call…
And then she IMed me that she was ok but her phones were dead.
Earthquake of 5.8 on the Richter Scale…
I IM’ed another friend in LA who filled me in more:
Jose [2:56 P.M.]: it was a long one, not a jolt, but a long, rolling one
Jose [2:56 P.M.]: there will be aftershocks
Jose [2:57 P.M.]: they just said 5.8
Rey Rey [2:58 P.M.]: damn… i could never live there
Jose [2:58 P.M.]: it’s a strange feeling but after a while u get used to them except when a big one comes along they u get freaked out all over again
Rey Rey [2:59 P.M.]: storms and snow i can get used to… random quakes? nope
Jose [2:59 P.M.]: but we have good weather all year long
Rey Rey [3:01 P.M.]: and bad attitudes all year long too
Jose [3:01 P.M.]: hahaha
Hopefully everyone out in LA is ok… I don’t think I could handle an earthquake.
How do you reconcile a relationship when it’s long distance and you’re not into long distance relationships, yet this one feels so right, so perfect, and so… needed?
It’s something that I’ve been going through for over a year now… with this quasi “what is it” relationship I have with Michael who lives in Las Vegas. While I am always so quick to say, “I’m single”, when he and I are together, we’re anything but. He was here for a little more than four days (he arrived late Tuesday afternoon and flew home at 9am on Saturday morning), and we spent three of those four nights together.
With other guys I’ve dated, I’ve always been a bit guarded… or at least a bit hesitant to really dive into the relationship. But with Michael, it’s different. I have no reservations with him and our relationship is effortless. When we’re together, the feeling of mutual adoration and respect is palpable. He may have little patience with many people, but with me, there isn’t really anything that frustrates him. And for me, the ability to show affection publicly is never the norm, and with him, not showing it becomes the exception.
My friend STEVE!!! asked me if I think he’s my soulmate… and I’m not sure he can classify as my soulmate, but he’s coming very close to being the “one” who I wish I could be with, but that wish will never be fulfilled.
But there is a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel… He told me on Friday night that there’s a position open with a VERY famous and VERY prominent designer (if I said her name you’d know her fashion) that he’s in the running for… and it’s based in NYC.
If that happens, I’d be such a happy person… but I won’t hold my breath. Even though he would kill to have that job, I don’t think he’s ready yet to move back to NYC. But if he did… Hmmmm…
So, it’s back to being quasi-single till he and I see each other again… and the other window I have open right now is Orbitz. Who knows, it might be sooner than later.
My quasi-ex Michael from Vegas is in NYC this week.
In case you haven’t been following since last Summer (LOL as if anyone is… as if. Pffft!), Michael and I once dated a few years ago. It ended very ugly. He called me last Summer to tell me he was moving to Vegas in six weeks. We sorta got back together (we essentially got back together… but since he was moving, there was an expiration date and a rational reason to not turn it into anything more than being quasi-boyfriends). Those last few Summer weeks were some of the greatest (and ultimately saddest) weeks of my life. In September, Michael moved to Las Vegas. We never quite broke up because we were never officially back together… So from that point forward, he was considered my “quasi-ex.”
Well, Michael came back to NYC earlier this week on a work-related trip for five days. Tuesday night, he invited me to a hyper-exclusive chi-chi party for a ultra high-end mannequin company (Michael is the Visual Director for one of the biggest resorts in Vegas). As soon as I saw him again, something immediately clicked and we fell back into the place that we were just a year ago. That night, I stayed over… and I felt so comfortable, so secure.
Last night, I went to his hotel (the trendy Hotel Gansevoort in the Meat Packing District) and we stood out on his porch and watched the crowds of trendoids and annoying fashionistas trying to get into the exclusive club below. And as we stood there, I felt so comfortable, so secure.
After a few tokes, he collapsed on the bed and just lied there on his back.
I looked over at him and smiled… There’s something really tangible there between us. Without being too corny, there really is an electricity between us that draws us together. I laid down on the bed beside him and closed my eyes. And immediately, the headiness of euphoria hit me, and for the next couple of hours, we made out so passionately that my tongue grew sore, my body chafed, and certain bodyparts exhausted. (TMI, I know)
As I laid in bed afterwards, head swimming in the moment, I realized what it was that was missing from my relationship with Douglas… Passion. It was something I didn’t have with the recent guys I dated and it was obvious that this was real and it was reciprocated. And as I cuddled next to Michael under the covers, I felt so comfortable, so secure.
“You know if you’re really into someone if you don’t feel like getting out of bed the next morning,” a close friend told me recently, when I was questioning what I was doing with Douglas. It was one of the motivating factors that propelled me to break up with him soon after. When I stayed over Douglas’ place, I often couldn’t wait to leave.
That mantra replayed endlessly when I woke up this morning in Michael’s bed at 6:30am, realizing it was time to move my car so it didn’t get towed.
And in the darkness as I was putting on my pants, I saw his silhouette twitch and heard him sigh softly in his sleep. And at that moment, my only wish was to climb back in bed, kiss him on the forehead, and fall back asleep next to him for the next few days…or weeks… so comfortable, so secure.
As I got in my car and started my short drive home, I started to miss him… his warmth and energy next to me. It’s so amazing to have someone like him in my life and have this feeling of unconditional and unequivocal love… but so bummed out that, since he lives in Vegas, the potential for it to become anything more than what it is currently is very slim.
Tonight will be his last night here, and then tomorrow morning, I will drive him to the airport to say goodbye once again.
I can’t fathom what it must be like in a similar relationship without the distance… but if given the choice of having this or nothing at all, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
So much is happening in my life, but it seems like I don’t feel like writing about it much anymore. And the frustrating thing is when I do feel like writing about it, I’m always in a dark place… This blog was set up as the place where I’d document my search for the “one” but it seems like it’s become more and more of a tedious read for myself and especially for anyone who even reads this blog anymore (LOL… the blogworld is so fickle, innit?).
Part of me wanted to write about the dinner I had with the recent ex, Douglas, last night (whoa… emotion city)… I wanted to write about the fact that Michael from Vegas is coming to NYC next week (and yes, I’m actually really excited), about the birthday trip I have planned for Daryl this weekend (we’re going to Montreal), about the guy I made out with at NYC’s Pride (he was kinda pretty cute… but told me right before he went home that he’s attached. Figures), about Stalker #2 (who can’t get it out of his head that I’m not interested), and about this mangled head of mine that can’t seem to grasp hold of anything solid.
I have so much to tell but no interest in telling it.
I guess that’s what happens when you stop “writing” and you start “living”, eh?
My friend Glenn did this meme and since I haven’t done one in a long time, I thought, why not? Play if you want to….
Longest real relationship?
13 years… five of those years we were engaged
Shortest relationship?
three weeks?
How many girlfriends/boyfriends have told you they love you?
six, I think? God, that sounds pathetic
Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
Yes… quite a few times.
Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Yes, sadly a few.
Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I’m not sure… I always want to be in a relationship when I’m single, and vice versa… I guess I’m never happy, eh?
Have you ever been cheated on?
Yessum.
Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
Yes. And very recently too.
Do you talk to your ex’s?
Some of them.
If you could go back and change things with an ex would you?
Oh totally… with all of them.
Any of your ex’s feel the same way?
Oh, I’m sure… I still get text messages and emails from a few of them hoping that will happen (it won’t).
Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
When it’s the “right” relationship, I think I am… but when it’s wrong, I can be a bastard.
Have you dated people who weren’t good to you?
Oh God, yes
Have you ever dated someone older than you?
Three times
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Nope
Believe in love at first sight?
I wish I could say yes.
Ever dated two people at once?
Haha… Wow. Tough one. Well, kinda when I was going through my fucked up years, dating a woman and dating a guy clandestinely…
Do you have something to say to any of your ex’s?
Depends on whom… I have lots to say to many of them. Two of them, I could care less about (they weren’t asses… It was just the wrong relationship).
Ever stolen someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend?
No… I don’t think so.
Ever liked someone else’s boyfriend or girlfriend?
Of course… It’s a part of life to like what you can’t have
Is heartbreak really as bad as it sounds?
it can be, but all wounds heal
Are you looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend?
I don’t know… I’m liking the flirtation thing right now more…
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
No
So Sunday was NYC Pride and, like every year for the past four years, I found someone to make out with. So whorish, I am. LOL, as if.
Well, as I said, like the previous years four years, I happened to make out with someone again… But unlike years prior, this time, it didn’t happen at the beginning of the day but towards the end.
Recently emancipated from my sweet and nice, but ultimately unfulfilling relationship with Douglas, and currently in a Limbo with H-, I was feeling a wee bit free on Sunday. Gitsie, Daryl and I got to Stonewall Pub around 1:00pm and started our day of alcoholic bliss. Since the pickings were very slim there, I didn’t think I was going to make quota. Just one boy to make out… just one, I thought to myself, as I scanned the crowd.
Nope… no one.
After a few hours there, we moseyed our way outside to let the alcohol soak into our veins in the fresh air. Feeling the urge to eat, I wandered off to find a street meat vendor, and picked myself up a shish-kebob. Meanwhile, Gitsie and Daryl headed off to our friends apartment on 14th Street, and left me wandering Christopher Street alone.
I ran into our friend “Fun Brian” who was doing interviews on the street for his radio program “The Bo Show” (if you listen to Part I, you’ll hear him interview me about my powder blue t-shirt that says “Music Is My Boyfriend”, my orange sneaks, and the street meat I had in my hand). As we walked and chatted, the cute bartender Chris from Pieces spotted me and came running to me, begging me to come visit him at his bar.
So, off I went to Pieces.
While standing up against the bar, waiting for my friends to meet me, a guy walked right up to me and stood in front of me.
“Is that a Hidden Cameras t-shirt,” he asked. He was tall and lanky, about 6′2″, pretty cute with a baseball cap on.
“Why yes, yes it is,” I answered, almost facetiously. “Do you know them?”
“Yeah, I listen to a lot of Canadian music,” his voice trailed off into a lot of gibberish about Canadian music and radio stations.
We talked for a couple of hours - every now and then my friends would come up to interrupt us, to make sure everything was ok.
And it was. “Will” was adorable and snarky… his sarcasm rivalled mine. He was also in Media (he edits a rather large and popular online site), so we had a lot in common. And the more we talked, the more I noticed he was flirting with me. Pretty soon, I felt his hand on my hip, and he’d bent down so we’d be talking more eye-to-eye.
And pretty soon, I had made my quota. We ended up making out quite a bit… ok, a lot.
He kept telling me he had to go, but I kept convincing him to stay for “one more beer” which wasn’t too difficult. Four beers in, he really had to go.
“I have something to tell you,” he said, as he took a swig of his beer.
“What’s that,” I asked. “Wait, let me guess. You have a boyfriend.”
“Yeah, how’d you know?”
“How else would you follow up a sentence like that,” I replied, a bit disappointed.
“Why couldn’t I have met you six months ago,” he whispered.
“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before,” I replied, snarkily.
“Well, I guess I should go. This doesn’t have to be goodbye, you know.”
“No, it doesn’t, but don’t think that I’m gonna be helping you cheat on your boyfriend,” I snapped back. “Here’s my number. Call me if you find yourself free in the near future… and by ‘free’, I mean ’single’.”
“OK… but don’t be surprised if I contact you sooner… you know, to be ‘friends’.”
“Sure thing, it was nice to make out with you, Will… Have a good night.”
As he walked away, I glanced over at the bar and saw Chris the Bartender (who I had run into on the street earlier) wearing nothing but a pair of skivvies behind the bar. He shot me an evil look.
I called him over. “Chris, I’m sorry you had to witness that. I just needed to make quota this year. My whole goal for Pride is to make out with one cute boy and I did.” I tried to explain myself to him, but it didn’t seem to be working.
“Well, you didn’t have to sell yourself short. You could have made out with me,” he said bitchily, and walked away.
I called him back over. “Listen, I’ll come in one night this week and visit you, and we’ll talk when it’s not so crazy.”
“I’m just bustin’ ya, Rey,” he said, half-jokingly. “But yeah, I was a bit surprised to see you making out with some guy you just met right in front of me. But yeah, come in this week and we’ll catch up.”
“Well, I think it’s time for me to go home. I’ll see you this week. I promise,” I said as I leaned over the bar and gave him a kiss. It was supposed to be a peck on the cheek, but he turned it into a full-blown kiss that kinda made my knees a bit weak.
I said goodbye to Daryl and Gitsie and told them I was just going to take the bus home, and I left.
As I walked out onto Christopher Street, post-Pride, and stared at the wet, litter-strewn sidewalks, I glanced all around me at the drunken revellers who were still out, walking hand-in-hand. Perhaps they met just tonight on the street, or perhaps they were age-old lovers. But couples seemed to be everywhere. And there I was… alone… single… and the one boy I met had a boyfriend… and the bartender who I flirt with was upset with me… and I don’t know what the next step is with H- so we’re stuck in Limbo…
As I made my way to the subway, my cell phone buzzed. I pulled it out of my pocket and looked at the screen. It was a text message from Douglas. “Hope you’re having fun today. Just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you!“
I put my phone away and walked down into the subway. I never felt more alone in my life.
This little flirtation thing with H- is taking on comical heights… Well, at least it’s comical to me.
First, it began with some playful “It was great to meet you last night” emails last week. Nothing revealing or overboard… just a “I’m so glad I went to Nowhere Bar that night” kinda talk. The kind of talk that can be reserved for friends… or future bf’s…
But then… he “friended” me on MySpace. And then the REAL game began.
It was innocent at first… I accepted his invitation to be his friend.
While checking out his site, I noticed I had made his Top 20 Friends. Awww, how cute, I thought.
But then I thought of the ramifications. He has 20 Top Friends… 18 of them are music celebrities who he knows personally (seriously). One of them is the man he idolizes (and looks like… Morrissey. Oh, did I mention that he also knows him personally? Fucker). And the other one: ME. I stuck out like a sore thumb at #18. But I made it into his Top Friends. He mustn’t have very many friends, I thought.
As a courtesy, I put him in my Top 16, bumping out one of my good pals (all of my Top Friends are people I know personally and are very good friends with). But, for starters, I put him at #14.
*************************************************
“Ok this is cheesy, but H- put me in his top friends on MySpace,” I told Daryl.
“Oh Lord,” he replied, rolling his eyes like he always does when I’m hot for someone.
*************************************************
The next day, I visited H-’s MySpace page again… and I noticed I had moved up his Friends list. My pic was now perched at #14.
So, without really thinking too much, I moved him up… Now he was at #8.
He reciprocated and moved me to #8 as well. (Mind you, NONE of this was verbalized between us… it was our silent game of flirtation).
*************************************************
Knowing that he’s a pretty well-respected DJ around the NYC/UK underground, I introduced him via email to my friend Denise who needed a DJ to spin at a benefit party she was throwing in a few months.
As a DJ, he’s ace… and he’s quite easy on the eyes... I wrote in the introductory email to Denise, in which he was CC’ed.
Easy on the eyes? he shot back at me. I think you need to get to LensCrafters straight away!!
Excuse me, but my contact lenses are PERFECT. I see 20/20, I emailed back, chuckling yet nervous that I might have taken one step too far in this game of flirtation.
*************************************************
Tonight, I sat down at my computer and decided to leave a comment on his MySpace page. Yep, my eyes are 20/20…. Jes’ checked. Haha! I typed.
A mere three minutes later, he posted an instructional YouTube video of a person getting an eye examination.
Laughing silently to myself, I clicked back over to his MySpace page and scrolled down.
My jaw dropped.
I was now #5 on his Friends list. I moved up three places. Oh shit, I thought. I gotta make a move. The ball’s in MY court.
I looked at my Friends… and contemplated how far I could move him. Wait wait wait, this is stupid, I snapped at myself. I am NOT playing this game anymore.
I glanced at #5, 6 and 7.
I can’t displace Sidewalk, Todd, and Corey, I stressed… They’ll never forgive me! So I made no changes to my Friends list.
*************************************************
My index finger hovered above the mouse button. I hesitated for a minute and then clicked SAVE. H- is now in my #6 position in my Top 16 friends on MySpace.
He can’t move much farther up. Sidewalk will never forgive me if I move him down one. STEVE!!! was upset when Michael (a.k.a. Las Vegas) pushed him back to #4. And Daryl and Gitsie own the #1 and #2 positions respectively.
The ball’s now in YOUR court, H-… How are gonna play this?
“You doing anything tonight?” the text read. It was from H-… Needless to say, I got that tickle in my stomach.
I wasn’t planning on doing anything tonight, except maybe hanging out on the couch, doing nothing. But if H- wanted to hang out, you’re damn right I was gonna hang out.
H- invited me out to a music industry party, and I gladly accepted. I needed a fun night… and if hanging out with him was involved, absolutely.
When I met up with him in Downtown Manhattan, he was standing on the corner of Delancey and Suffolk, within eyesight of the Williamsburg Bridge. As I approached him unnoticed, I marveled at how much he looked like his hero, Morrissey. He has the sideburns, the short-on-the-sides-but-long-and-tall-on-the-top coiffe/haircut, very Western European facial structure, and the very sexy lean yet tenuous body… and he was wearing another one of his very hot, fashion-forward button down shirts. The boy seems to only have very elegantly-scenester-y, buttondown shirts. And did I mention that he really looked like Morrissey?
He turned around slowly, as if in slow motion, and saw me coming. Almost immediately, his face lit up with a big smile.
We hung out for the whole night, awkwardly involved in conversations that we could tell had a strange sort of tension. It wasn’t unnerving at all, but instead it was intriguing. A few times, our eyes would lock and it would get very uncomfortable, yet I didn’t want to look away. The whole game of “Is he interested?” was being played out between us… well, at least, I was playing it.
It was nice hanging out with him, and the feeling was seemingly mutual. Whether or not anything comes out of it, it doesn’t really matter. But instead, this reinforced my feeling that I made the right choice this weekend.
So, it’s time to toss out the tiny violins… I’m back in action.
I know it was for the best and it needed to happen, but this break-up with Douglas really really hurts. I spent the whole morning, sitting in my chair, staring at my computer screen, not moving… not thinking… and crying.
As much as I knew he wasn’t the perfect fit for me, he was everything anyone ever wanted from a boyfriend or girlfriend. He was incredibly dedicated, completely unconditional, and loved me for exactly who I was… and that rarely happens. I felt that three times in my life (which for most people, is more than enough), and each time, I fucked it up.
He didn’t want me for what I had to offer… He didn’t like me for what I had… He loved me just because of who I was and who he thought I was. And to feel that kind of love, to know that it exists, it’s an incredible feeling. I never had anything to worry about with him, and I knew that he would do anything for me without question and without hesitation.
I don’t know if I’ll ever find that again… I don’t know if I’ll ever find anyone who can rival that… and even more importantly (and sadly more realistically), I don’t think I can ever be that person for someone else.
My insecurity is too strong and the walls I’ve built within myself - too tall.
And time and time again, I feel like I’m destined to be constantly running away from the best things that could ever happen to me… This isn’t a plea for consolation nor am I be melodramatic about it. It’s just a cycle that I see myself recreating each time someone enters my life that I am scared could be the “real” thing.
And I’ve said this in the past, on different personal blogs, and it seems like a broken record, but the first time I heard David Gray’s “Gathering Dust” back in 1993, it rung (and stung) with a resonance that i knew would follow me forever… and would be the song that reflects my life. And breaking up with Douglas just further cements that this will probably be engraved on my headstone.
If you care to understand a little more of who I am, click play on the Youtube video (don’t bother watching it since it’s not an official video) and read the lyrics… That’ll help you understand who I am…
David Gray
“Gathering Dust”
I got no reason
but that I must
maybe I feel
like I’ve been gathering dust
I must leave this harbour for the sea
I’m too young to settle down and make a home
but I don’t know where I’m wanting to be
I just know I have to be there alone
Stole my time, all my time
stole my time, for you
Pale winter sun
is beating the ground
why am I throwing away
the best thing that I’ve found
my young hearts in tatters and I’m sure
that it will be a long time healing
its so hard to see what I’m doing this for
when loneliness is all that I’m feeling
Stole my time, all my time
spent my time, for you
CHORUS
Now the wind it is blowing
blowing leaves from the trees
I’ve got no use knowing
that with time it will ease
I don’t know where I’m going
hope I get there soon
cos my soul is hollow
as the sorrowful moon
na na na na…
chorus
Oh the night is raining on my weary head
taking my back
See the sun spread wings of gold
as the dawn unfurls
hear the song that the moon sings
to the darkened world
feel the fire lighting
in the bitter cold
its the light that shines
through the windows of your soul
windows of your soul
I’m sorry I broke down like that. Obviously u mean more to me than even i thought!
That’s what the text read that Douglas sent me as I walked away from his apartment for perhaps the very last time.
I felt awful breaking up with him, but I knew I had to do it - for me, and especially for him. I felt horrible for how much he cried when I told him this was the end. I wasn’t lying when I told him that he was a very genuine person and one of the only people who loved me solely for who I was. And the truth is, he did. He didn’t want anything from me… He truly adored me. But I couldn’t reciprocate. And for that reason, I broke his heart.
“I’m really going to miss you,” he said to me as he clutched me, hugging the breath out of me, his tears dampening my shirt.
“This isn’t the end, Douglas,” I said, trying to quell his sobs. “It doesn’t have to be.”
“But it is,” he replied. “I know it is. I’ve lost you.”
I didn’t know what else to say but to hug him.
“You really need to leave now,” he said. I could tell he was going to break down. “You really do.” He released his grip on me, and covered his face.
“I’m sorry, Douglas. I really am.” I turned around and walked towards the door.
He rushed to me and hugged me one more time and said, “I love you, Rey. I really really do.” And then he pushed me out.
At that moment, I felt like the biggest prick in the world.
Sometimes, those kind of feelings speak the truth.
I haven’t updated this blog in over a week and a half (almost two?)… And in those two weeks, a lot has changed.
Douglas is still in the pic, but the more time goes by, the more I realize that this isn’t what i truly want. I keep on trying to suss out if it could be something that can work since everyone keeps on telling me how much they love him and think he’s “right” for me, or if I’m just spinning my wheels and trying to make something work that really has no potential. God, I sound like a broken record.
But I think something has tipped the scales for me.
***************************
“He really does look like Morrissey, doesn’t he,” I asked Daryl, as we stood at the bar at one of my favorite East Village watering holes, Nowhere Bar, on Saturday night.
“Yeah, he does,” he replied, as we spied this really cute guy just two people away from us. He looked a lot like Morrissey, but a cuter, younger version… and he had great sideburns.
We eventually ended up talking to him, when Daryl turned to him and started chatting away with him. “Hey Rey, this is H-… He works in the music business too!” Daryl shouted over to me, pulling me into the conversation.
It turns out that H- manages a few bands… one of whom I actually really like. And immediately, we hit it off, prompting Daryl to go talk to someone else at the other end of the bar.
He was very nice… a British transplant by way of Kansas City. And he was really cute. We ended up talking about work for the rest of the night, and since he just moved to NYC just last month, he didn’t know too many people. So I gave him my card and said, “Get in touch with me and we’ll talk shop.”
****************************
I didn’t think he’d get in touch, at least not right away… but on Sunday morning, when I checked email, there was an email from him.
It’s H-. I met you last night at Nowhere. Let’s keep in touch, as I’d like to speak to you more about ideas. Perhaps we could grab lunch or a drink sometime when you’re free.
I’ll admit it… I got a thrill from that, but I have a bf… and at the end of the day, he was a business connection, and I don’t shit where I eat. So I kept the conversation innocent. We emailed back and forth a few times and just talked about catching up sometime to talk about work.
Well, Monday came… and one of my bands had a show in NYC. I had a few friends coming with me to see the band, and I asked H- to come too. And he said “yes.”
*****************************
It was awkward at first… trying to talk smalltalk over the band in the tiny club. But it was my goal to introduce him to all the record label people there and the people that mattered. Afterwards, he and my old assistant Mike decided to get some food, so we walked around the East Village.
And the more we talked, the more I realized he and I could be really good pals. We were both indie rock DJs, we both worked in the music biz, and we both had a real interest in lots of the same things. My old assistant could sense it too, and he kept talking me up… to the point that it was almost embarrassing.
“Everybody loves him, and I’m sure you’ll dig him too,” I heard him say to H- before he noticed I had returned from the bathroom and was standing right behind him.
“Oh we were just talking about how great the band was tonight,” Mike said, trying to cover up his earlier topic.
“Oh, I’m sure,” I replied as I sat down. I glanced in H-’s direction, and caught a glimmer of his eye, looking back at me and he smiled… and I nervously turned away, subtly hiding the excitement that washed over me when I caught him looking back at me.
And then it hit me.
The real test of whether you like someone or not is if you get that thrill… the butterflies in your stomach… when you glance over at him and you catch his eye and you get nervous and you want to look away as quickly as possible, hoping he didn’t catch you, but really wishing that he did.
And you can’t manufacture that. You can’t force yourself to get that feeling. You can’t “grow into” that sort of emotion.
And with Douglas, I don’t get that. I think it’s really sweet that he’s into me… but, no matter how hard I try, I don’t get that little tickle in my tummy. I thought I could learn to like him… and the more I’d get to know him, the more attracted I’d get. But it’s still not happening… and I don’t know if it will…
So I think I’m going to start rearranging my feelings and put everything back in its place. It’s been a little while since I felt balanced and content, but now, I think it’s time to find that balance. I need to realize that this thing with Douglas isn’t going anywhere and I need to let it go.
Chances are, I’m not going to act on H-… I think he’s more of a catalyst for me to realize that I really shouldn’t be in a relationship that my heart isn’t entirely in. It’s not fair to Douglas, and it’s not fair to me.
I don’t want to settle for someone just because everyone else thinks he’s great. I really have to stop finding validation in friends’ approval of people I date. Cuz at the end of the day, I’m the one who has to live with the consequences… and lately for the last couple of years, I’ve unfortunately been living with those kind of consequences.
I got a call this morning from my friend Andrew who works at one of the big gay national magazines here in NYC, asking me what I was doing on Wednesday night…
“I want to bring you to see Xanadu for your birthday,” he says, excitedly. “Are you available?”
Part of me thinks, Xanadu? He doesn’t really know me, does he??? I’m soooo not a theatre fag. The other part thinks, Oh, that’s so sweet of him… I really don’t want to go, but I’ll go because he sounds excited about it.
And then he adds, “It’s Boys’ Night, so 90% of the audience will be gay.”
Ka-POW!! “I’m there,” I answer almost immediately.
Boys… rollerskates… alcohol… my good friend Andrew… What more can you ask for?
Ok, there’s a lot more, but I’m keeping this birthday week clean.
Today my doorbell rang. When I opened it, there was a man holding a whole crapload of red balloons.
“Umm, I think you have the wrong apartment,” I said almost immediately. “What number are you looking for?”
“These are for you,” he replied with a smile. “Is your name Rey?”
“It is, but… huh?” I said, still kinda in shock.
“One thing I need to tell you though and I hope you’re not mad,” he said, almost sheepishly. “I lost the card that came with the balloons.”
“You’re kidding,” I said, still a bit confused. “Well, who are they from?”
“I called my office and they read me what the card was supposed to say. It said, ‘Happy birthday, Reybee. Love, Michael.”
He handed me the balloons, smiled again, and whispered, “Happy birthday.” He ducked below the balloons that were now crowding the hallway in front of my door, and he disappeared.
***********************
I’ve never gotten balloons before… and in fact, I kinda have never gotten anything delivered like this before. At least, not that I remember. I immediately called him, laughing and so incredibly happy. It was so sweet.
“I didn’t want to have them delivered on your real birthday because then they wouldn’t be much of a surprise,” he said, while sitting in his office in Las Vegas. I could tell he was beaming on the other end of the phone.
“God, I was surprised all right,” I replied, still in shock that there were now a whole gaggle of balloons on the roof of my loft. “Thank you so incredibly much!” If he was here, I’d give such a huge kiss and a hug.
“I’m glad you like them,” he beamed. “Happy birthday.”
***********************
The odd thing about this all is that, over the last week, I’ve really begun to do a turnaround with Douglas. He left for Palm Springs on Sunday morning for a few days to check out some hotels for sale. He’s on his last trip to Palm Springs, and if he doesn’t find what he’s looking for, he might have to end his dream of running a hotel. The night before he left, I took him to dinner and we spent a good part of Saturday night, wandering around NYC. And for once, I felt the attraction to him that I think was missing. I didn’t feel frustrated or ambivalent anymore. I started to really like him. Maybe his trip to Palm Springs will help me understand what this is… and make me realize what I have right in front of me. Perhaps it will give me some clarity. So far, it has… and I realize that I do like him… and yes, I like him like him.
Meanwhile, Michael and I have been catching up as well. We had gone a few weeks without keeping too close in contact. But over the last week and a half, we’ve started talking with each other again. Part of me (a big part of me) really misses him, but the other part of me (the more rational, but smaller side of me) knows that this could never work out. So why am I still holding onto it? And just as oddly, why is he?
I’ve made no bones about it to myself or to anyone else, but if Michael had stayed here and not moved to Las Vegas, I wouldn’t doubt that we’d still be together. And it sucks that his move changed the way my life could have turned out… but I have to move on. I have to live my life.
And now that I think I found someone I want to explore the future with, the one with whom I thought I’d do the same has re-entered my mind.
Why does life have to be so fuckin’ complicated?
Alternative radio station WOXY released the Top 500 songs still in their playlist and I must say, I’m amazed that I know 90% of them, and most I spin when I DJ at a New Jersey indie rock/punk club… The ones I’ve bolded are songs that I don’t know even though I may know the band, like Cat Power, Modest Mouse, and Elliott Smith. Italicized are amongst my favorite songs.
Check out this list… I rediscovered some great songs I had forgotten (Papas Fritas “The Way You Walk”, Manic Street Preachers “If You Tolerate This…”, Peter Gabriel “Games Without Frontiers”) and remembered songs I wish I had forgotten (The Cure’s “Fascination Street”, anything by Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dada “Diz Nee Land”).
But no Housemartins, my favorite band of all time???? For shame!!!
500. Feist - My Moon My Man
499. The Twilight Singers - Teenage Wristband
498. Big Country - In A Big Country
497. Dexy’s Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen
496. Pet Shop Boys - West End Girls
495. Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains
494. Joe Jackson - I’m The Man
493. Cat Power - Cross Bones Style
492. XTC - The Ballad Of Peter Pumpkinhead
491. Franz Ferdinand - Do You Want To
490. Sonic Youth - Incinerate
489. Matthew Sweet - Sick Of Myself
488. X-Ray Spex - Oh Bondage Up Yours!
487. Ride - Vapour Trail
486. Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper - Elvis Is Everywhere
485. Buffalo Tom - Taillights Fade
484. Tori Amos - Cornflake Girl
483. Morrissey - Suedehead
482. Pinback - Fortress
481. They Might Be Giants - Ana Ng
480. Lo Fidelity All Stars - Battle Flag — love love LOVE
479. Rogue Wave - Endless Shovel
478. Tears For Fears - Shout
477. DNA / Suzanne Vega - Tom’s Diner
476. Elvis Costello - Less Than Zero
475. Elbow - Forget Myself
474. Placebo - Pure Morning
473. Arcade Fire - No Cars Go
472. Portishead - All Mine
471. The The - This Is The Day
470. Roxy Music - More Than This
469. The Cure - The Lovecats
468. Afrika Bambaataa - Planet Rock
467. Junior Boys - In the Morning
466. Muse - New Born
465. The Wrens - Hopeless
464. Smoking Popes - Need You Around
463. The White Stripes - Dead Leaves and The Dirty Ground
462. Julian Cope - World Shut Your Mouth
461. Doves - Black And White Town
460. Kate Bush - Hounds of Love
459. Bjork - Joga
458. LCD Soundsystem - Someone Great
457. X - 4th Of July
456. Firehose - Flyin’ The Flannel
455. Sleater-Kinney - Entertain
454. Suzanne Vega - Luka
453. Concrete Blonde - Joey
452. The National - Mistaken for Strangers
451. The Verve - Lucky Man
450. Modest Mouse - Dashboard
449. Spoon - I Turn My Camera On
448. Radiohead - There There
447. Ted Leo / Pharmacists - Me and Mia
446. Band of Horses - The Funeral
445. The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
444. Stereolab - Miss Modular
443. Death Cab for Cutie - The New Year
442. Papas Fritas - Way You Walk
441. Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way?
440. Guided By Voices - My Valuable Hunting Knife
439. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Red Right Hand
438. Jonathan Richman - Dodge Vedge-O-Matic
437. The Decemberists - 16 Miliatary Wives
436. The Streets - Let’s Push Things Forward
435. Echo & The Bunnymen - Bring On The Dancing Horses
434. The Cloud Room - Hey Now Now
433. New York Dolls - Personality Crisis
432. The Sugarcubes - Hit
431. Arcade Fire - Rebellion (Lies)
430. Disposable Heroes Of Hiphoprisy - Television The Drug Of A Nation
429. Split Enz - I Got You
428. Bob Marley - Redemption Song
427. Peter Gabriel - Games Without Frontiers
426. R.E.M. - Finest Worksong
425. Belly - Feed The Tree
424. The Nails - 88 Lines About 44 Women
423. World Party - Ship Of Fools
422. Sleater-Kinney - You’re No Rock & Roll Fun
421. Broken Social Scene - 7/4 (Shoreline)
420. Ryan Adams - To Be Young (Is to Be Sad, Is to Be High)
419. Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta
418. Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
417. The White Stripes - My Doorbell
416. Beck - Devil’s Haircut
415. Pavement - Rattled by the Rush
414. Coldplay - Yellow
413. Radiohead - No Surprises
412. Eels - Novocaine For The Soul
411. Talking Heads - Stay Up Late
410. Spiritualized - Come Together
409. Tori Amos - God
408. Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
407. Joe Jackson - Sunday Papers
406. G. Love and Special Sauce - Cold Beverage
405. Dada - Dizz Knee Land
404. Doves - There Goes The Fear
403. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me
402. The Cure - Fascination Street
401. Massive Attack - Protection
400. Stereo MC’s - Connected
399. Cake - The Distance
398. The Bears - Fear Is Never Boring
397. Fishbone - Party At Ground Zero
396. Squeeze - Pulling Mussels (From The Shell)
395. Iggy Pop - Real Wild Child
394. Lou Reed - Dirty Boulevard
393. Forget Cassettes - Instruments Of Action
392. Bloc Party - Banquet
391. The Vapors - Turning Japanese
390. Oingo Boingo - Dead Man’s Party
389. Front 242 - Welcome To Paradise
388. The Art Of Noise - Close (To The Edit)
387. Sinead O’Connor - The Emperor’s New Clothes
386. The Pretenders - Middle Of The Road
385. Weezer - Say It Ain’t So
384. The National - Secret Meeting
383. Ted Leo / Pharmacists - Where Have All The Rude Boys Gone?
382. Pixies - Alec Eiffel
381. The Jesus And Mary Chain - Sometimes Always
380. Fatboy Slim - The Rockafeller Skank
379. Blind Melon - No Rain
378. Hum - Stars
377. The Charlatans UK - Weirdo
376. Silversun Pickups - Lazy Eye
375. Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock
374. The Undertones - Teenage Kicks
373. Cake - Never There
372. Thomas Dolby - She Blinded Me With Science
371. The B-52’s - Love Shack
370. R.E.M. - Driver 8
369. The Black Keys - 10 A.M. Automatic
368. They Might Be Giants - Istanbul (Not Constantinople)
367. Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes
366. Smashing Pumpkins - 1979
365. Pulp - Disco 2000
364. Belle & Sebastian - The Boy With The Arab Strap
363. L7 - Pretend We’re Dead
362. Superdrag - Sucked Out
361. Pixies - Velouria
360. My Morning Jacket - Off the Record
359. Ned’s Atomic Dustbin - Grey Cell Green
358. Yaz - Situation
357. Shriekback - Nemesis
356. Meat Puppets - Backwater
355. Midnight Oil - Beds Are Burning
354. The Breeders - Divine Hammer
353. TV On The Radio - Staring At The Sun
352. Grandaddy - The Crystal Lake
351. The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots
350. PJ Harvey - Good Fortune
349. Killing Joke - Eighties
348. The Buggles - Video Killed The Radio Star
347. Grandmaster Flash - The Message
346. The Dandy Warhols - Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth
345. Paul Westerberg - Dyslexic Heart
344. The Jam - That’s Entertainment
343. Soul Coughing - Super Bon Bon
342. Modest Mouse - Ocean Breathes Salty
341. Manic Street Preachers - If You Tolerate This
340. Bright Eyes - Lover I Don’t Have to Love
339. Massive Attack - Angel
338. Bettie Serveert - Tom Boy
337. Tegan and Sara - Walking With A Ghost
336. Dinosaur Jr. - Start Choppin’
335. Faith No More - We Care A Lot
334. Public Image Limited - Public Image
333. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - The Skin Of My Yellow Country Teeth
332. Radiohead - Street Spirit (Fade Out)
331. The Decemberists - The Bachelor And The Bride
330. Hot Chip - Over and Over
329. LCD Soundsystem - Daft Punk Is Playing At My House
328. Depeche Mode - Never Let Me Down Again
327. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Higher Ground
326. Black Flag - TV Party
325. Wire - Strange
324. Mclusky - To Hell With Good Intentions
323. Tones On Tail - Go!
322. The Catherine Wheel - Black Metallic
321. The Cardigans - My Favourite Game
320. Sebadoh - Skull
319. Robyn Hitchcock - My Wife And My Dead Wife
318. The Velvet Underground - White Light / White Heat
317. Royal Crescent Mob - Get On The Bus
316. Guided By Voices - Glad Girls
315. Social Distortion - Bad Luck
314. R.E.M. - What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?
313. The Chemical Brothers - Let Forever Be
312. Ministry - Stigmata
311. Suicidal Tendencies - Institutionalized
310. Simple Minds - Don’t You (Forget About Me)
309. Wilco - I’m The Man Who Loves You
308. They Might Be Giants - Don’t Let’s Start
307. The Pogues - Fairytale Of New York
306. The Specials - A Message To You Rudy
305. Supergrass - Caught By The Fuzz
304. Lemonheads - Into Your Arms
303. Blur - There’s No Other Way
302. Tom Tom Club - Genius Of Love
301. Air - Sexy Boy
300. Bob Marley - Could You Be Loved?
299. The Sundays - Here’s Where The Story Ends
298. The New Pornographers - The Laws Have Changed
297. Doves - Catch The Sun
296. Interpol - Slow Hands
295. Nirvana - Lithium
294. The Stone Roses - Waterfall
293. New Order - Regret
292. Weezer - Buddy Holly
291. Social Distortion - Ring Of Fire
290. Morphine - Cure For Pain
289. XTC - Mayor of Simpleton
288. They Might Be Giants - Birdhouse In Your Soul
287. Primal Scream - Movin’ On Up
286. The Waterboys - The Whole Of The Moon
285. U2 - Where The Streets Have No Name
284. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Talk About The Blues
283. Ministry - Everyday Is Halloween
282. Eels - Mr. E’s Beautiful Blues
281. The Velvet Underground - What Goes On
280. The Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So
279. Public Enemy - Bring The Noise
278. !!! - Me & Guiliani Down By The Schoolyard
277. The Jam - Start!
276. Muse - Time Is Running Out
275. Nine Inch Nails - Down In It
274. Depeche Mode - Route 66
273. The Walkmen - The Rat
272. Peter Gabriel - Shock The Monkey
271. Elliott Smith - Waltz #2
270. MC900 Ft Jesus - The City Sleeps
269. Built to Spill - Goin’ Against Your Mind
268. Suede - Metal Mickey
267. Elastica - Connection
266. The Orb - Little Fluffy Clouds
265. Beck - The New Pollution
264. Blondie - One Way Or Another
263. Juliana Hatfield - My Sister
262. Pearl Jam - Even Flow
261. Mission Of Burma - That’s When I Reach For My Revolver
260. Bjork - Big Time Sensuality
259. Blur - Coffee & TV
258. Psychedelic Furs - Pretty In Pink
257. Depeche Mode - Policy of Truth
256. Yo La Tengo - Autumn Sweater
255. The Replacements - I’ll Be You
254. Modern English - I Melt With You
253. David Bowie - Rebel Rebel
252. B-52’s - Private Idaho
251. Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Relax
250. Peter Bjorn & John - Young Folks
249. The Smiths - Stop Me If You Think
248. Liz Phair - Supernova
247. Tricky - Black Steel
246. Arcade Fire - Wake Up
245. Silversun Pickups - Kissing Families
244. The Pretenders - My City Was Gone
243. Pavement - Shady Lane
242. Talk Talk - It’s My Life
241. Peter Gabriel - Sledgehammer
240. Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm
239. Jeff Buckley - So Real
238. Frank Black - Headache
237. Wilco - Monday
236. Talking Heads - Crosseyed And Painless
235. The Smiths - Girlfriend In A Coma
234. The Police - Can’t Stand Losing You
233. The Clash - Lost In The Supermarket
232. Modest Mouse - Tiny Cities Made Of Ashes
231. The Strokes - Last Nite
230. Urge Overkill - Sister Havana
229. Belle & Sebastian - Your Cover’s Blown
228. Joe Jackson - Is She Really Going Out With Him?
227. Tori Amos - Silent All These Years
226. Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
225. The Charlatans UK - The Only One I Know
224. Public Enemy - Fight the Power
223. Siouxsie & The Banshees - Peek-A-Boo
222. The Rapture - House Of Jealous Lovers
221. Beastie Boys - Intergalactic
220. The Jam - In The City
219. The Smiths - Big Mouth Strikes Again
218. Romeo Void - Never Say Never
217. The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary
216. Living Colour - Cult Of Personality
215. Built to Spill - Big Dipper
214. Guided By Voices - I Am A Scientist
213. The English Beat - Save It For Later
212. Daft Punk - Da Funk
211. Happy Mondays - Step On
210. Wall Of Voodoo - Mexican Radio
209. Soul Coughing - Screenwriter’s Blues
208. Social Distortion - Ball And Chain
207. Concrete Blonde - God Is A Bullet
206. The Chemical Brothers - Block Rockin’ Beats
205. Love And Rockets - So Alive
204. Bob Mould - Sunspots / Wishing Well
203. Radiohead - Optimistic
202. The White Stripes - The Hardest Button To Button
201. U2 - One
200. Blur - Girls And Boys
199. Veruca Salt - Seether
198. Oasis - Supersonic
197. Violent Femmes - Gone Daddy Gone
196. Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor
195. The La’s - There She Goes
194. Roxy Music - Love Is The Drug
193. Jim Carroll Band - People Who Died
192. Sonic Youth - 1
191. Dinosaur Jr. - Feel The Pain
190. Faith No More - Epic
189. The Afghan Whigs - Gentlemen
188. The English Beat - Mirror In The Bathroom
187. Nirvana - About A Girl
186. Elliott Smith - Miss Misery
185. Spoon - Everything Hits At Once
184. Mazzy Star - Fade Into You
183. Peter Murphy - Cuts You Up
182. Screaming Trees - Nearly Lost You
181. Beastie Boys - So What’cha Want
180. Devo - (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction
179. R.E.M. - Stand
178. Pixies - Debaser
177. Neutral Milk Hotel - In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
176. Bob Marley - Jamming
175. Guided By Voices - Teenage FBI
174. Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)
173. The Replacements - I Will Dare
172. The Shins - So Says I
171. The Smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
170. The Ramones - Sheena Is A Punk Rocker
169. The Jam - Going Underground
168. XTC - Making Plans For Nigel
167. The Cure - Pictures Of You
166. Oasis - Live Forever
165. The Flaming Lips - She Don’t Use Jelly
164. Psychedelic Furs - Love My Way
163. Elvis Costello - Watching The Detectives
162. Folk Implosion - Natural One
161. Interpol - Obstacle 1
160. Dramarama - Anything Anything
159. The Afghan Whigs - Debonair
158. PJ Harvey - Down By The Water
157. Cracker - Teen Angst
156. Gary Numan - Cars
155. Nine Inch Nails - Closer
154. The Clash - This Is Radio Clash
153. R.E.M. - Orange Crush
152. Talking Heads - Take Me To The River
151. Public Image Limited - Rise
150. Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence
149. The Ramones - Do You Remember Rock & Roll Radio
148. The Sugarcubes - Birthday
147. Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood
146. Talking Heads - Life During Wartime
145. XTC - Senses Working Overtime
144. Squeeze - Tempted
143. Boomtown Rats - I Don’t Like Mondays
142. The Stone Roses - Fools Gold
141. Pavement - Stereo
140. DJ Shadow - Midnight In A Perfect World
139. The Shins - Caring Is Creepy
138. Nirvana - Heart-Shaped Box
137. Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)
136. U2 - With Or Without You
135. Wilco - Heavy Metal Drummer
134. The Cure - Close To Me
133. Massive Attack - Safe From Harm
132. Sonic Youth - Kool Thing
131. Gang Of Four - I Love A Man In A Uniform
130. The Dandy Warhols - Bohemian Like You
129. The Jesus And Mary Chain - Head On
128. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Give It Away
127. Talking Heads - Once In A Lifetime
126. The Dead Milkmen - Punk Rock Girl
125. The Clash - The Magnificent Seven
124. The Police - Every Breath You Take
123. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
122. Modest Mouse - Polar Opposites
121. Elvis Costello - Alison
120. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
119. Smashing Pumpkins - Today
118. Cracker - Low
117. Pulp - Common People
116. David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust
115. The Velvet Underground - Rock & Roll
114. The Church - Under The Milky Way
113. The Replacements - Bastards Of Young
112. Dead Kennedys - Holiday In Cambodia
111. Matthew Sweet - Girlfriend
110. Afghan Whigs - Rebirth Of The Cool
109. Bob Marley - Get Up, Stand Up
108. U2 - I Will Follow
107. Elvis Costello - Pump It Up
106. Patti Smith - Dancing Barefoot
105. Devo - Whip It
104. New Order - True Faith
103. The Smiths - Panic
102. The Flaming Lips - Do You Realize?
101. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under The Bridge
100. Weezer - Undone - The Sweater Song
99. Portishead - Sour Times
98. Nine Inch Nails - Head Like A Hole
97. The Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop
96. Dead Milkmen - Bitchin’ Camaro
95. Interpol - PDA
94. Oasis - Wonderwall
93. David Bowie - Suffragette City
92. Buzzcocks - Ever Fallen In Love
91. R.E.M. - Pretty Persuasion
90. The Jam - Town Called Malice
89. Blondie - Heart Of Glass
88. Depeche Mode - People Are People
87. The Shins - New Slang
86. Siouxsie & The Banshees - Cities In Dust
85. The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
84. Blondie - Rapture
83. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
82. The White Stripes - Fell In Love With A Girl
81. The Replacements - The Ledge
80. Camper Van Beethoven - Take The Skinheads Bowling
79. Pixies - Gigantic
78. Pearl Jam - Alive
77. XTC - Dear God
76. Radiohead - Just
75. The Velvet Underground - Pale Blue Eyes
74. The Stooges - I Wanna Be Your Dog
73. Joy Division - She’s Lost Control
72. The Cure - Love Song
71. The Stone Roses - I Wanna Be Adored
70. Modest Mouse - Float On
69. Nirvana - In Bloom
68. The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
67. The Clash - Train In Vain
66. Echo & The Bunnymen - Lips Like Sugar
65. Beck - Where It’s At
64. Violent Femmes - Kiss Off
63. Blur - Song 2
62. Beastie Boys - Fight For Your Right
61. The B-52’s - Rock Lobster
60. Bauhaus - Bela Lugosi’s Dead
59. Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees
58. Pearl Jam - Jeremy
57. U2 - Pride (In The Name Of Love)
56. Pixies - Here Comes Your Man
55. Iggy Pop - Lust For Life
54. The Police - Roxanne
53. Husker Du - Makes No Sense At All
52. Pavement - Cut Your Hair
51. New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle
50. Kate Bush - Running Up That Hill
49. R.E.M. - Losing My Religion
48. Nirvana - All Apologies
47. Bjork - Human Behaviour
46. The Police - Message In A Bottle
45. Elvis Costello - (What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love And Understanding
44. The Clash - Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
43. Beastie Boys - Sabotage
42. Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye
41. James - Laid
40. Jane’s Addiction - Been Caught Stealing
39. R.E.M. - It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
38. David Bowie - Changes
37. The Breeders - Cannonball
36. U2 - New Year’s Day
35. Patti Smith - Gloria
34. Nirvana - Come As You Are
33. The Cure - Just Like Heaven
32. Radiohead - Karma Police
31. Lou Reed - Walk On The Wild Side
30. The Jesus And Mary Chain - Just Like Honey
29. Talking Heads - Burning Down The House
28. Sex Pistols - Anarchy In The UK
27. The Clash - Rock The Casbah
26. Sonic Youth - Teenage Riot
25. Pixies - Monkey Gone To Heaven
24. Jane’s Addiction - Jane Says
23. New Order - Blue Monday
22. Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus
21. My Bloody Valentine - Only Shallow
20. David Bowie - Space Oddity
19. Television - Marquee Moon
18. Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
17. The Ramones - I Wanna Be Sedated
16. Fugazi - Waiting Room
15. Beck - Loser
14. The Cure - Boys Don’t Cry
13. The Replacements - Alex Chilton
12. Elvis Costello - Radio Radio
11. Sex Pistols - God Save The Queen
10. U2 - Sunday Bloody Sunday
9. Radiohead - Paranoid Android
8. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
7. The Clash - London Calling
6. Pixies - Where Is My Mind?
5. R.E.M. - Radio Free Europe
4. The Smiths - How Soon Is Now?
3. Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
2. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
1. Radiohead - Creep
“You tell me all the things that you need from me to make this work, but there’s only one thing I need from you to make this work,” Douglas said, while we sat on his couch… a good 6″ away from each other. “I need affection. You show no affection.”
He’s right, I thought as I eyed the distance between us. Before he mentioned that, I didn’t think of the space between us. But now that he mentioned it, the chasm that separated us looked huge.
“I’m just not wired that way,” I lied. I thought back at all the relationships I’ve had in the last few years and I realized that when I was in control, I kept the affection at arms length. But when I was the one smitten, I lavished it. But now, I haven’t done anything so much as rest my hand on his shoulder, much less initiate a kiss. “It takes me a while to get to that point,” I eeked out.
“What’s it going to take,” he asked, almost dramatically.
And I felt bad. He was like one of those children who get no affection from their parents and desperately grasp for it from strangers. And I - the dismissive parent. I knew that I had to remedy that or else just cut it off. It’s not as if I don’t feel any affection towards him… I just don’t instinctively act affectionate towards him.
… Oh, and I’m still trying to figure out if this relationship is working out.
And maybe that’s the root of it all. I don’t want to show him affection because it may give him false hope that I’m totally into him. And I’m not there yet. I like him and appreciate him and often enjoy being with him, but it’s not 100% yet.
A few weeks ago, I was determined to break up with him… but a little over a week ago, I gave him another chance. Things started to lighten up and I started to like him more.
But now I’m wavering again. Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever get “there” with Douglas or if this is a big waste of emotions and energy.
Part of me really hopes we get there… And maybe then, I’ll be able to show some sort of affection.
… that my quasi-ex Michael (since he was my quasi-bf, that makes him my quasi-ex, right?) has put some new, cute pics of himself up on his MySpace page. He’s standing there, smiling, with a big ol’ toothy grin and his dimple pointed right at the camera as if to say, “Too bad you don’t live in Las Vegas, cuz look! I’m having fun!!”
*sigh*
We talked this morning for a while about how much things have changed in the nine months after he moved. And while we talked, we both realized that lots of things around us may have changed but the way we talk to each other hasn’t.
Damn him for moving away.
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